Two simple steps to raise ideal children

*puts on a mask*

  1. Obtains a monstrous ego

As a parent, you should root it in your mind that everything is about you and you only. Your children must be the personal projections of yourself. Your thoughts and feelings must also be theirs. If they end up different from you, you’re a failure.

They should listen to literally every single one of your words. Whatever the messages you are trying to make, yours are and will always be worthier than God’s. Your children must be morally held responsible for their verbal retaliation. Their words are and will always be more ungodly than the Devil’s.

     2. Abuse them

It only makes sense to utilise sadism on our own flesh and blood. Spanking and caning are among the most popular methods of disciplines. But, I find them too mild, too humane. We should aim higher and boy, do I have suggestions.

If they talk back to you, cut up their tongues and feed them to the dogs! If they make even the slightest menacing body languages, mutilate their limbs and throw acid to their faces! If they dare to think differently from you, do anything to cause them brain damage; cerebral hypoxia is the best method. If they dare to be non-heterosexual or to even have the most unassuming of erotic thoughts, rape them; mutilate their genitalia if you have to!

Wait, I am not done yet! Physical abuse is best served with emotional one. Manipulate them to believe they cause their own sufferings. Make them believe that you, the parent, are the only victim here; you are the only one who suffers! If they have the audacity to complain, call them out as ungrateful children as they really are!

Don’t worry. Societies are on your side. Just look at the internet. Dare some people to publicly denounce their parents, they will always be replied with honourable comments, rightly accusing them of their shameless lack of gratitude.

*takes off the mask*