How to win the Nobel Peace Prize

*puts on a mask*

It is simple: all you have to do is to advocate how peace is the best solution for our earthly problems. Just be a famous pacifist!

But, if you are a westerner, there is another path to this accolade: be a war-monger!

Not just any war-monger, but one who justifies his/her violent actions and beliefs in the name of defeating barbarians! When I meant by barbarians, I meant every non-westerner who refuses to suck westerners’ dicks.

Peace is one of the organic values of the western civilisation. I know because the propaganda tells me so; as we all know, indoctrination is always truthful and only brainwashed imbeciles think otherwise. Therefore, every person who defies the west is a violent, peace-hating barbarian and every true-blue westerner must support the violent destruction of those monsters in order to uphold peace!

The innocent casualt….. I meant, the collateral damages are actually a good thing. The more we kill every single individual who shares the identities of those monsters, the better. It advances our journey towards peace even further. It is their fault for being born associated with those barbarians! It is a common knowledge that we can choose which vaginas we are born from.

*takes off the mask*

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Living unsociably

Growing up, I used to be a lot more self-hating.

I hated how I was so unlikable by aggravating every single person I encounter. I hated how I spent too much time alone, reading, listening to music and watching videos, never interested in having a large social circle.

Then, maturity hit me.

One day, I realised that my hatred of my own introversion (not to be confused with shyness) and lack of likability is caused by the shaming I had been constantly receiving for many years, not because those two traits are inherently evil that must be eradicated once for all!

My unlikable nature is indeed irksome to deal with. But, it is a combination of my social ineptitude and non-conformist attitude. You know, two harmless things. The former is something I always try to overcome. The latter is something I am planning to keep; just like introversion, it is considered evil simply because it makes me different from everyone else, not because it actually is.

Oh, and speaking about introversion…

I acknowledge that we need our fellow human beings to live a more complete life. But, we don’t need them in every waking second! You can still have a quality life while spending most of your time alone. ‘Quality’ and ‘quantity’ are two (often) mutually exclusive words. Whether you like it or not, extroverts can also be anti-social (which is different from being asocial)*. Even the most social creatures I know still embrace solitariness from time to time.

Before self-acceptance

In order to avoid the constant shaming, I often tried to act like I was a lovable and outgoing person. You know, faking. It took an emotional toll on me.

Every time I put on the mask of superficial charm and conformity, I was fooling everyone with this phony ‘lovable’ character (and I am sure the most intelligent among them could see past my bullshit). I was being dishonest about my true self. Even though it was not a fitting figure of speech, I often felt like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was a fraud, a sinner. Sounds a bit too dramatic. But, that was what I sincerely felt.

This tendency also didn’t solve the problem with my awkwardness. Instead of encouraging myself to overcome it, I preferred to falsely declare its non-existence. That’s like having a bulging tumour on your abdomen and your solution is to wear dark, loose clothing; the more you ignore your problem, the harder it will to triumph over.

Contrary to popular belief, extroversion is not the end-all cure for loneliness. In fact, for people like me, it can either cause or exacerbate the sense of desolation. I am more likely to feel lonely among the crowds than when I am just by myself.

The presence of other beings can make me feel too self-conscious. Not counting my gawky and rebellious personality which already makes me stick out like a sore thumb, many people (especially the petty ones) love to point out my silence which they deem ‘uncomfortably deafening’. I become too mindful of my inability and unwillingness to interact with the piling stacks of homo sapiens.

I constantly dreamed of being someone else.

Reaching self-acceptance

The process itself was gradual. I started to accept my love of solitariness when I was a teen (which coincidentally when I also started to interact more). But, the guilt still lingered and it felt like I was loving a diseased part of myself.

Fast forward to my college years, when I became an internet addict who love to browse ‘trivia’, I added another word into my vocabulary: introversion. For the first time in my life, I accepted that my ‘hermitic’ tendency was not a mental disorder, but a personality trait that every reasonable and receptive individual regard as normal. No longer I see solitude as a vice. But, this journey of self-acceptance is relatively easy to overcome.

Regarding my social ‘charm’, it is still an ongoing issue as awkwardness persistently haunts my life to this day. Escalating the quantity of human contacts does not work for me. So, I try to behave in a palatable manner as naturally as possible.

I have three mottos for my social life: ‘be polite (to strangers, at least)’, ‘wrong someone who wrong you first’ and ‘be honest’. Of course, it is far from perfect. What we consider to be polite and nice is always influenced by our own subjectivity and, for someone who experienced stereotypical Asian upbringing, being honest is easier said than done.

But, at least, this is better than intentionally painting ourselves with false colours.

After self-acceptance

Unsurprisingly, the act of affirming selfhood is and will always be in one’s favour. In my case, there are quite a few of them.

My acknowledgement of introversion as a legitimate personality trait has three effects on me, two of them seem counter-intuitive. First, I recognise the importance of spending some time with your thoughts and feelings; like it or not, they need to be nourished with self-reflection. Second, I appreciate the importance of quality human relationships; no matter how much I love solitude, I still cherish the amicable presence of fellow human beings. Third, I also appreciate extroversion as a legitimate personality trait instead of a festive of noise and smarminess; no longer I see all extroverts as repulsive creatures.

The self-toleration of my social ineptitude compels me to be more vigilant about human behaviours. My past attempts of putting up shows enlighten me of one thing: humans are creatures of falsehood. We will do anything to be the possessors of ‘attractive’ personas, no matter how deceitful they are; it is worth the death of sincerity.

It sounds cynical. But, as I said before, I am being vigilant. Unlike me, many people I know still easily fall for those so-called philanthropists and motivational/spiritual speakers. They are ignorant of how those philanthropists guilt-trip us by constantly bragging about their open-handedness. They are ignorant of how those speakers present anecdotes as objective facts and constantly use fallacies. They don’t realise they are victims of rhetorics.

Oh, and because I merge introversion and vigilance together, I am picky regarding the people in my intimate space. As I get older, I become more restrained about giving personal information. I constantly make sure the people I interact with are not back-stabbers; despite the nastiness of front-stabbers, at least they are blunt about their true nature. As Indonesians would say, I don’t want a snake under my blanket.

But, the best benefit I obtain from the self-acceptance is this: contentment.

I am content about living a relatively solitary life. I am content about my status as a deeply unsavoury individual. I am content about its negative effects on my fate as I would probably have a hard time maintaining careers and networks. I am content about my ‘abnormality’ and I have stopped giving a fuck about what people think of me.

…and the contentment helps to validate my own individuality. No longer I see myself as diseased. Contentment makes me feel more human.

*’Asocial’ is what we use to describe people who avoid social interactions, either out of shyness or lack of interest. ‘Anti-social’ is what we often say to describe sociopaths.

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I am a fiscal conservative…

*puts on the mask*

…because I believe taxes should be used only for benefits of politicians. It is a sin against God to believe that taxes must be used to benefit the people. Taxes are not and should never be that way!

…because I hate educated masses. If education and any corresponding sectors are well-funded, the people would get hefty dose of knowledge and critical thinking, two things that can prevent them from being politically exploitable. That means they are defying God’s will of keeping them stay exploitable and politicians stay corruptly and grossly powerful!

…because I hate compassion. I am disgusted by how the weak and the helpless among us are being tremendously aided by publicly-funded non-profit institutions. In an ideally godly world, happiness comes from letting the weak and the helpless suffering, the greedy corporate swines exploiting them for the sake of bulging their already-swollen piggy banks! The world where social injustice prevails is the world we should thrive to create.

Oh, God. That prospect just made me come….

*takes off the mask*

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I love dark and crude humour

I initially wanted to say something like ‘it is the best tool to deal with the horrendousness that is humans’. But, I withdraw the decision. Not only I would repeat my ‘I love sarcasm and/or satire’ article, it would also not be entirely accurate.

The statement is true in some situations. But, in others, it is simply about being humorously dark. There are times when, with the ‘right’ slants, I can see the jokes in dark matters. No, I don’t believe that instantly makes me immoral. There is a difference between possessing morbid comedic aesthetics and celebrating the morbidity itself. I don’t mind if people cannot enjoy black comedy. But, I do mind when people make this about morality.

Why? Because they love to scream about one thing that they never care about. They constantly screech about their professedly higher yet actually non-existing moral standing. Public image is a number one priority. That’s one big accusation, I know. But, by observing people for years (I love pretending to be an accomplished researcher), this accusation seems on point.

Those pretend saints love to rail against entertainment entities for poisoning the masses on purpose. They believe the entertainment industry forces offhandedness down on everyone’s throat, deceiving us by promoting crude comedies as ‘wholesome’ and ‘family-friendly’. Yeah, no.

No one forces anyone to enjoy certain forms of entertainment. We are talking about risque comedies, not religious and political propaganda which we coerce on children both at homes and schools! In fact, those holy men wannabes want to stop others from enjoying off-colour fun, they want others to have the same taste as theirs. Typical freedom fighters.

Also, I have never encountered any risque comedies marketed as ‘family-friendly’. None! The film adaptation of Deadpool, which outraged helicopter parents, was crystal clear about its R rating! Cards Against Humanity’s official slogan is ‘a party game for horrible people’; even the name alone clearly signals its ‘horrid’ nature! They are always truthfully advertised. Once again, we are not talking about religious and political propaganda we love to coerce on children. Love it when people are being truthful.

Oh, I forgot to flesh out more juicy details about their ‘morals’.

One of my favourite Youtube videos is Jon Cozart’s After Ever After 2. A parody of Disney’s love of happy endings, it contains jokes about transsexuality, mental illness, hurricane Katrina and the brutality of authoritarian regimes. Very taboo stuffs. Unsurprisingly, it caused outrage. But, surprisingly, the outrage was selective.

Laughing at one crude joke, offended by another. At one point, the video was bombarded with such comments. Yes, we are always dainty about choosing our objects of laughter; even the biggest fans of obscenity still draw the lines somewhere. Hell, even jokes that make us laugh can still pain us to some extend. Some of us excuse this selectiveness by citing personal reasons (e.g. horrible past experiences or personal grievances). Inconsistent, but justifiable. Others excuse their selectiveness by citing morality. Not justifiable.

You cannot laugh at one obscene joke and proceed to declare another one as immoral. If morality is indeed your rationale, you would not be picky about it. You would be offended by every single obscene joke, be inclusive with your so-called love of human dignity and acknowledge that every single adversity deserves our sympathy!

Let me ask you some questions: do you think female rape is more noteworthy than the male one? Violent western interventionism more noteworthy than jihadism? Gang violence more noteworthy than police brutality? If you answer ‘yes’ at least once, congratulations! You may look like a fresh apple. But, you are already rotten to the core.

No, I am not talking about all activists. Some do think their causes are the only ones worthy of sympathy. But, others focus on certain causes for personal reasons (I think I have said this before) and they never condemn others to hell for simply having ‘incompatible’ grievances. Mind the air quote.

Now, back to humour….

Arts and entertainment, especially comedy, are constantly sneered at for seemingly not having any purposes whatsoever. Well, purposeful only when profitable. Fortune is and will always be the only merit. Yeah, no.

Beauty and amusement, unquestionably two things we can benefit from both; seriously, not everything valuable in life is material! But, I am also aware that many individuals, the ones I have interacted at least (and there aren’t many of them), seem oblivious to this one benefit: unfolding human nature.

Our reactions to arts and entertainment works expose our stances on social issues, cultures, politics and, as I have been typing about for weeks (I am slow), morality. They greatly reveal the sincerity and deceitfulness of our declaration of righteousness. They can do so through an individual’s psychological state (ethical consideration needed, something that I often ignore) or a society’s sociological circumstances. No need to elaborate on this again.

Oh, another thing I forgot to mention earlier. This may make me look hypocritical. Well, my writing is preachy anyway. Me being a hypocrite is always a strong possibility. So, here I go…

The jokers’ attentions matter. If their dark and crude humour is a literal reflection of their true selves, they are undoubtedly problematic individuals. But, how do you determine if that is the case with certain people?

Well, don’t pay attention to their jokes; do so to their matter-of-fact remarks. Do their sincere opinions share ideological resemblances with their tasteless jokes? If the answer is yes, then they are problematic. You cannot make a racial joke, make a sincere racist statement afterwards and proceed to defend your joke as ‘just a joke’. You have outed yourself as a racist. You have proven yourself to be deserving of hate. Of course, this method’s flaw surfaces straight away.

It only works when the jokers doctrinally complemented their humour with their own straightforwardness. If their indecency is only expressed through comical manners, then tastelessness is the only thing to be worthy of criticism. The existence of ignorance and immorality is not attested by any solid evidences. I’ll get back to it in a moment.

Then, there is another problem: what does ‘funny’ mean? Of course, every knows what it means: a quality that brings out laughter. But, even the most wholesome jokes are not universally loved. There are different factors to consider: unheard of cultural references, alien styles of humour or, as I have discussed before, audience’s sensitivity.

We have talked about offense caused by taboo humour; again, no repetition is needed. But, what if the humour itself is docile and child-friendly? We should remember that they still can be controversial because either the audience is sensitive to the jokes’ subtextual nature or they take things too personally.

The former may or may not be justified. The thing is subtexts can look very vague and heavily reliant on seemingly conjectural reading. Unless we have tangible evidences, good luck convincing people about the ‘harmless’ jokes’ harmfulness. Besides, how do we know that we are not the problematic ones? How do we know that we are not thin-skinned creatures who see non-existent patterns?

Well, if that’s the case, I even cannot propose a single unproven method to deal with such nuisance. Why? Because I am also guilty of it. As much as I have enjoyed many offhanded jokes, I am still catching myself getting offended by the milder ones. Sometimes, I am 100% convinced that the subtexts I see are real as I am terribly familiar with the jokers involved. But, other times, I am just being emotionally delicate, unable to acknowledge my own irrationality.

I have yet to escape self-contradiction.

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How to vote

*puts on the mask*

It is easy. All we have to do is to follow these two simple steps:

  1. Choose politicians who repeat words.

Not just any words. The right words. Ones that represent your main grievances. For example, if you care about issues like Islamic extremism or economic growth, you should vote for politicians who say the relevant words like ‘Islam’, ‘Jihadism’, ‘economy’ or ‘jobs’ the most. There is a physics-proven phenomenon called semantic satiation in which words become more meaningful after constant repetition. This is the same reason why our parents’ self-righteous naggings and worthless advices increase in their profundity after constant repetition, especially after the millionth time.

If you think that approach encourages voters to vote for the most inept candidates, you are absolutely right! Expertise and knowledge should never be a priority for any of us. In fact, upholding either one means we fall for tactless elitism. We should embrace tactful one instead, which coercencourage us to love individuals simply for their wealth, lineage and popularity.

  1. Prioritise your grievances.

Let’s face it. Some grievances are not real grievances. Protesting the oppression committed by your ingroups is not one. In fact, it is an incitement of hatred against your own kins! It is sacrilegious to not blindly love the kinship! That’s literally more sinful than murder! Literally!

The only oppression we are obligated to fight against is the one committed by outsiders. It is our duty to make our collectives look better in comparison, to make them look better than they really are, to make oppression our prerogative. Prohibiting us from oppressing others is literally oppressive! Literally!

There is also another grievance we must prioritise: wealth. I don’t care how much you are demonised as a minority. Widespread wealth is literally more important than your humanisation (as if that’s even possible)! A wealthy yet bigoted society is and will always more dignified than an enlightened yet poor one! Don’t believe me? Just ask God! Be fucking happy with your status as subhumans!

Vote for politicians who incite hatred! Vote for politicians who worship greed! They are the ones who get their priorities straight!

*takes off the mask*

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I am a Muslim… and I love Imam Tawhidi

*puts on a mask*

Why? Because I am a self-hating Muslim. I love how he will do anything to pander to anti-Muslim factions. He supports Trump’s travel bans that wrongfully target certain predominantly-Muslim countries. He supports far-right political figures who hate Islamic extremism because it is Islamic, not because it is a form of extremism. Heck, he even espouses the dishonestly-defined version of Taqiyya, therefore convincing the bigots even more that the peaceful majority is a myth. I love stripping myself of dignity.

In fact, I believe that every self-respecting Muslim should be self-hating. We Muslims must love receiving hatred from anyone who wish for our extermination. We must love the idea of being fascists’ token Muslims. We must love the prospect of sucking bigots’ wet dicks.

We must love the prospect being put down as subhumans!

*takes off the mask*

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